Room of Angel
by Psycofoxx
Summary: Sephiroth's reflections on his two mothers.


Room of Angel

In this world it seems that I have had two mothers, and neither have I really known. I was told that my mother was Jenova, although I also saw the birth certificate that cited a woman named Lucretia. At the peak of my power, when I could control all the Jenova cells in the world though force of will, even those within others, I found her in cave hiding from the world.

_You lie silently before me_

_Your tears, they mean nothing to me_

She lies there crying to herself, talking about me to herself, but she never knew me, I never knew her. What love is there in that? I don't know this woman, she doesn't even look like me. Of course, she also carried Jenova's cells: now she is my sister as well as mother; or my puppet. Since I died, my will and my connection to the Jenova's cells meant that I could come back after the grave, rebuild my body in the frozen crater, and cast shadows of myself out of her cells. I could have taken her like the cowled clones.

_The Wind howling at the window_

I do not even appear to her, speak to her. I am insubstantial under the cover of the torrent of falling water beyond the cave entrances.

_The Love, you never gave_

_I give to you_

She was alive all this time. All this time she left me with Hojo, and she knew what he was like. All that time that I was a research experiment, and was told that she was dead. It seems that I was just abandoned. I can understand running from him, but she left me too, after allowing him to experiment on me from her womb. Is that how a mother acts? I'll leave her, she stole my body from me, but I'll leave her alone. Let her imagine what has happened to her ill-begotten son and never come close to the true horror of it.

_Really don't deserve it_

_But now, there's nothing you can do_

She suffers from the effects of the cells, they always play havoc on the human body, fatal for adults. Actually, its amazing that she has lived this long, albeit on the verge of death and coma. She was treated before her pregnancy too, to ensure that I would survive it without too much damage. She knew how it felt and still subjected her child to the 'treatment'. Did she know that when they ensured my intelligence through the manipulation of cells, they also ensured memory? That I remember thrashing against the walls of her womb as the infusion of mako and alien cells seared my skin to the bone, changing me into something else? Does she feel the furrows of my half-developed nails along her insides?

_So sleep in your only memory of me_

_My dearest mother_

She must have felt that, and still she went on with it. The cruelest abortion. She killed me and replaced me, using my body to spawn another to her liking, and Hojo's. I'll leave her body alone, but I hope she dreams of me. I could kill her, but I want her to know what she did to her son. I want her to lock herself into the nightmare of guilt and pain. Leave her to remember her guilt, because she has no other memory of me.

_Here's a lullaby to close your eyes (goodbye)_

When she sleeps I whisper to her, I tell her of all I've done, and all I've been. I tell her all the news of the world she's hidden herself from. She might tell herself that they are only dreams, but I think she suspects, and she agonizes over all that she doesn't know, all that she refuses to face.

_It was always you that I despised_

Hojo was insane, a filthy disgusting little man trying to emulate another. But he was there. Interesting, is it not? That for all the torture in my youth, it was the one I never met that I reserved the most hate for. This all happened because she went along with it. I never had to please her, or even see her, so I was free to hate her with the depths of my soul.

_I don't feel enough for you to cry (oh well)_

_Here's a lullaby to close your eyes_

What I feel now is closer to contempt. Is she going to mourn her actions now that they're done, and cry for me after giving me up to a madman? She won't even leave her hermitage to see if I'm alive, or to face the news of the world. What does she mean to me; to anyone? She might slip away, and no one would mourn. I can't even mourn the lost revenge that I might have had. She's not even worth the effort, she wouldn't understand it.

_Goodbye_

_Goodbye_

I don't think I will ever return here, although I might think of her from time to time. Perhaps someday I'll go looking for her soul in the lifestream, if I ever get that bored. She was always dead to me, for now let her return to death, this cave is already an appropriate tomb.

_So insignificant, sleeping dormant inside of me_

The other, Jenova, was also called my mother. If you can call it a she. They, Gast and Hojo, thought Jenova was the Cetra woman that they uncovered, that she was the source of the magical potential they found in the cells. The crisis from the sky, a parasite, a disease that infected, controlled, and ultimately killed a cetra woman in ancient times. I believed, for short time after learning of the experiments, that I was one of that ancient race, that I had a legacy that was somehow noble, beyond Shin-Ra's puppet. Didn't I die for that? But I was a freak fusion, of human, mako, infected cetra, and the damned alien parasite itself. As I died, burning apart in the mako reactor, that sleeping part called out, and I clung to it. Jenova lives as a collective conscience in all of its cells, but I was the strongest of the hosts, the most willful, and the most connected to the virus. I became the central mind. As my body and the Jenova cells inside me vaporised, I somehow jumped to the others still buried at the crater, and finding this power I realized that I could control any in the world, now that I was not bound to flesh.

_Are you hiding away lost_

_Under the sewers, maybe flying high in the clouds_

My other mother, she was always just me. The concept of mother was nothing, a mistake that connected the dead body with the genes in its infection. So mother Jenova is nowhere. She is also everywhere, thanks to Hojo and his mad experiments. I can control them all for now, but soon I will kill them and reclaim the cells. They are mine after all.

_Perhaps you're happy without me_

_So many seeds have been sown in the field_

Sometimes I think I can feel an edge, of something that used to be the mind. That thing might have swayed me, back when I was still in my body. That incident in Nibelheim. I can't be sure, since I've swept away most of that set of memories, expunged them from the central mind of the Jenova/crsis from the skies. A god must not be controlled, not by anything.

_And who could sprout up so blessedly, if I had died_

Nibelheim is of no concern anyway, humanity is of no concern. The ancients are not either, since I am not one of them. Nothing will live that stands in my way, their deaths are as meaningless as their existence. Nothing in this world is like what I am, so what allegiance could I possible owe them. I am not like either of my mothers, or either of the two men who claim to be fathers. Lucretia and Vincent, Jenova and Hojo; their lives, their peoples can all go to hell.

_I would never have felt sad at all_

_You will not hear me say 'I'm sorry'_

I with two mothers, am motherless. Should I care about this world? I will not be sorry for finding my place.

_Where is the light, I wonder if it's weeping somewhere_

Nothing that I ever was, was anything other than presumption, funny isn't it? Warrior, general, sorcerer, the first of a new race, the last of the ancient, an old evil, everything that I was, has come down to the will of others, and now I will be the god of their destruction. Where is holy in all this? Will the world pass judgment on me? This world never saved me. Who are the betrayers to pass judgment?

_Here's a lullaby to close your eyes_

To both of my mothers, I will not be yours. I am not an experiment, I am not a host for a disease, I am not anything that you are. To you progenitors, I will cut the past from this pathetic world, I will be the world's future and its end. I am the God.

_It was always you that I despised_

Do you see me now dearest mother? Are you proud of your son? You spurned my existence, the both of you failed to be anything to me.

_I don't care enough for you to cry_

_Here's a lullaby to close your eyes_

I want both of you to cease existing, I want the world to melt away, I want the end. I want you to leave me in peace, because neither of you ever left me. That love that never existed is spoken, let me be, let me be. I wanted a mother. I think I did anyway. I'm so far gone from wanting any comfort, because I never got it, never.

_Here's a lullaby to close your eyes_

This insane broken wreck of a mother, this mindless parasite; that was all I ever had. The truth hurts, sometimes I thought -- as a child -- that someone was waiting for me somewhere. Maybe I would cast them off for my revenge against them, but maybe they would speak to me and I would forgive them. I must silence that which never was, the mute voices are falling down upon me and won't let me rest.

_It was always you that I despised_

All this world, I will take this world with me to blessed silence, only the soulless leave me alone -- the dead still haunt me. Your fault, your fault.

_I don't feel enough for you to cry (oh well)_

I cannot make my revenge mean anything to me anymore, but I will drown the voices. I will purge this world of you. Sleep in eternity and darkness.

_Here's a lullaby to close your eyes_

_Goodbye_

It all ends.

_Goodbye_

_Please review after reading, I hope this is okay. I had originally had the concept of Jenova singing Sephiroth lullabies, but this song seemed more likely as something he says, and it did give me a chance to write about my Jenova theory. I'm not sure if I'm completely happy with it, so I would like feedback. I was hoping for a more melancholy/ hallow feeling, and I think it sounds a bit too militant or psychotic to work exactly right._

_PS I don't own FF7, Sephiroth or "Room of Angel"._


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